Which Character from Greek Mythology Are YOU? Take the highly exciting (maybe), highly scientific (yeah, right) quiz that tells you, once and for all, which character from Greek mythology you most resemble! ...at least, until you take it again. Legal note: Results are based on characterizations established in the comedic fantasy novel Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure. This test is for entertainment purposes only. List your results on a job resume or court-ordered psychological evaluation ONLY at your own risk. Any actual Greek gods taking this test should ignore any results that conflict with their egos. Please, no smiting. 1) Of the following, which is your favorite movie? Ocean's 11 The Matrix Platoon An Inconvenient Truth Kill Bill 9 1/2 Weeks A Perfect Storm The Hangover Amadeus Elizabeth2) Your ideal pet is closest to: A magnificent horse. A dolphin! They're smarter than most people I know. A deer, free to wander into the yard and say hello whenever she likes. A dog, of course! What a stupid-ass question! I'm not big on pets. I've always loved peacocks. A rooster! Or maybe a turtle. Or both! Yes, both. Scorpions. LOTS. OF. SCORPIONS. A cat: sleek, lithe, and cuddly. My own tiger would be AWESOME!3) You're sitting by a fountain in a city square when you see a passerby drop his wallet. Before you can do anything, he insults your hat. Are you most likely to: Point out that he dropped his wallet, and then challenge him to a duel for insulting your honor. Punch him in the gut, knock him to the ground, and step on his neck. Then take the wallet as plunder. Say nothing. It doesn't matter what he thinks, and losing the wallet is suitable karmic punishment. Curse his name and point out the obvious fact that only an idiot would wear his shoes. Burp in his general direction, wait for him to pass, and then scoop up the wallet and spend its contents on beer for you and your friends. Let him pass. Pick up the wallet. Scatter his money to the wind and get his address off his driver's license. Then go to his home at 2am, slash his car tires, break his windows, duct tape his toilet seat to his head, and finally wake him up screaming, "NOW who's got the stupid hat, JACKASS?!" Let him pass, pick up the wallet, and order 2,000 hats of the exact same type using his credit card. Have them shipped to his address. Follow him, seduce him with a warm smile, make him fall in love with you and apologize for the hat comment. Immediately leave to let him twist in the wind. MAYBE give him one chance to apologize. If he doesn't, pick up the wallet and throw it into the fountain. Or maybe just throw him into the fountain. This scenario is unlikely. I don't like to hang around in the city. 4) What's your preferred beverage? Anything with alcohol! Fruit juice, especially 100% organic stuff. Blood! Preferably that of my enemies. Milk. It's good for you! Champagne. Because I'm worth it. Coffee! I don't get much chance to sleep. It depends on my mood at the time. Soda, or energy drinks. Or anything with sugar. Just give me a good solid beer! Anything else is for chumps. Water suits me just fine, thanks.5) What do you like to do to relax? Figure out ways my friends and family might best improve themselves. Spend a day at the spa. Motorcycle riding. Or horseback riding. Or swimming. Think up tricks to play on my friends. Take a walk in the woods. Watch football! Or hockey. Or rugby. Or Ultimate Fighting. Or any full-contact sport, really. Video games! Listen to (or play, or write) music. Or just write in general. Pull the wings off flies, set ants on fire with a magnifying glass, sharpen my knife collection… Sewing, knitting, crocheting, etc.6) Which of these best describes your ideal vacation? Backpacking across Europe by my wits alone. I don't need a vacation! Work is the ideal vacation! I freaking LOVE my job!! A week spent backcountry camping, hiking, or hunting. Somewhere I can lie on the beach sipping cocktails and relaxing. A good, wholesome, family vacation, driving across the country together. Sailing around the world. Touring famous historical sites to better understand human history, where mankind has been, and where it's going. Vegas, baby!!! Fitness boot camp! Or regular boot camp! Vacation? What's that? Just being able to get some time off to TAKE a vacation would be miraculous!7) What do you prefer to read? Romance novels The daily horoscope! It's good for a laugh. Guns & Ammo magazine Anything with strong female characters The literary classics The George R. R. Martin Wedding Planner Fantasy novels (especially ones with lots of elves) Read? BOR-ING! Calvin & Hobbes 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea8) An evil prince has stolen a jeweled necklace that rightfully belongs to your family. How do you get it back? Study the place from afar and devise a crafty, intricate plan to slip into the castle at night, crack the safe in which the necklace is kept, steal it back, and get out before anyone knows you were there or finds the picture of Abe Vigoda you left in its place. Send an envoy to warn him that if the necklace is not returned, a plague will slowly infect an ever-growing number of his loved ones. Challenge him to a drinking contest, then take the necklace when he passes out. Break open the castle with a massive tidal wave. Send in a dozen crafty octopi to fetch the necklace back. Lay immediate siege to his castle, bombarding it with small rocks, large rocks, flaming rocks, spiked rocks, angry badgers, and explosive cannon balls. Use missile strikes, bunker-busters, a-bombs, h-bombs, f-bombs, and chemical weapons to soften up any remaining resistance, and then lead an army in to personally wipe out any stragglers still standing. Oh, and then get the stupid necklace if it's there. Seek an audience with his Evilness to discuss the return of the necklace while wearing your sexiest outfit and imply that it's in his best interest to make you happy. Yell at the thieving prince day and night, and turn the family member who originally owned the necklace into a hideous monster to teach them a lesson about not letting their stuff get stolen. Wait until he wanders onto the castle parapets, and then drop him with an arrow at 300 yards. Even if you don't get the necklace back, everyone else will know you don't put up with people stealing your things. Put a curse on the necklace so it both burns the wearer's skin like a hot poker and can't be removed. Also it makes him impotent. And then probably set him on fire. Well, no, that's not right.Definitely set him on fire. Patience. He will die at some point, and then the necklace shall find its way back to the rightful owner, one way or another. 9) Which of these things scares you the most? Doves (flappy little bastards!) Boredom Being alone Spiders Delegation Kansas Nothing! NOTHING AT ALL!!! ...Well, bunnies. Sealed boxes containing a cat and a poison set to be released upon the radioactive decay of a single atom. Prohibition (or inhibition) Republicans10) Of the following, which was your favorite subject in school? Astronomy Lunch! Home economics Eye-Gouging 101 (a.k.a. "metal shop") Health class Dating! (What? It's a subject!) Physical education (if you can dodge a bazooka, you can dodge a ball!) Economics (it's all about the money) Government studies Biology11) Which of these irritates you the most? Idiots who disrespect me! Getting caught. People who double-park! Clear-cut logging! When I'm looking good and no one compliments me! People who've never even TRIED a pomegranate! Relax, man, it's all good! Questions. People who sing off-key. EVERYTHING!12) Pick your favorite monster: A vampire A werewolf The Kraken A succubus The Loch Ness Monster Time A dragon A banshee The ever-present threat of nuclear war ME!13) Finally, have you, to the best of your knowledge, been recently murdered? No. But, in fairness, I don't always remember everything that happens to me, either. Hah! I dare ya to try! Of course not. Such a thing would violate certain universal laws, so no. Not at all. No, but I did once fake my own death with three Slinkys and a golf pencil... No, but if I was, I would be AVENGED! Why would anyone want to murder ME? Everyone LOVES me! Don't waste my time with foolish questions! No. Yes. TweetShare on Tumblr
