“The Spaceship”

So I’m in the process of moving to a new home (nowhere far, just from one Seattle neighborhood to another), which means I’m going through my stuff and culling the herd a bit to make moving easier. I’ve been here for a while, so there’s quite a bit of stuff to go through, and in a box in the back of my closet I found something amusing: The very first book I ever wrote.

Note that I did this in elementary school in 1985. I’d like to think my writing has improved at least a little bit since then. It was a class project, if I remember right. Every student wrote one, as well as doing the actual binding and illustrations. (I’d like to think my drawing has improved at least a little bit since then, too. I’d like to. But it hasn’t.) So now, without further ado, I present to you my first ever novel, the sci-fi tour de force known as…

It was the 1980s. Cover art wasn’t as important back then. Apparently.

Look at that quality binding! Yessir, slathered rubber cement!

See, there it is. Proof I wrote it, right there in…pencil! I know, the title page gives away a major plot twist. I was young and naive.

See? Copyright! All rights reserved! No stealing this for your next movie, Shia LaBeouf! (Always copyright your schoolwork, kids. The teacher will add 10 points right off the bat, I swear.)

“Once there was a boy named Fred. One day Fred got in a fight and got two black eyes.” (Isn’t that a wonderful beginning? I can actually remember wanting to establish how good Fred was at kicking people here.)

“He was walking on the field (after the fight) and he saw a silver disk coming down. Then a read beam came down and zapped him up!” (The exclamation point tells you it’s exciting!)

“When he awoke he found he was in a cage. But the bars were wide apart and he easily got through. After that he ran down the hall and came to a corner.” (Cages. Aliens are terrible at ’em. This is exactly how Captain Kirk escaped from the Klingons on three separate occasions. Why is “was” written in cursive? Because! I guess.)

“He peeked around the corner and saw two guards! Then Fred turned the corner and kicked over a guard who landed on the other guard!” (More exclamation points! The non-illustrated fight scene is exciting!! I actually rather like the look of the aliens. Especially their merit badges. I guess they got their abduction badges that day.)

“Then he pushed a button and the door flew open. He went inside and got in the spaceship inside.” (It’s important to demonstrate how doors get opened. Buttons!)

“Then he shot out of the bigger spaceship and blew it up with the small ship’s super-power lasers!” (Regular lasers wouldn’t have made a dent, you see. I liked drawing fireballs. I can remember being particularly pleased with this one.)

“After that he of toward Earth. When he got to the school he circled the field once and then went home early.” (Geez. That should be “…he flew off toward…” This is why you should always have someone else proofread your work before publication!)

“The next day he told his friends about his adventure but no one believed him. ‘Oh well,’ he thought. ‘I’ll just drop it.’ And he did.” (I guess this is the part with all the angst that makes it art. Or something.)

THE END Wasn’t that a fantastic book, boys and girls? Well? Wasn’t it? And yet there was never a movie deal or even a sequel.